I introduce you this week to a beautiful lady called Ashley who suffers from ptsd. She shares some amazing gems of wisdom that come from her own experiences. Loved hearing her story! You can find her on Instagram, @littlebigstring. So, with great pleasure, here is Ashley.

Hi, my name is Ashley.  I grew up in New Orleans, LA and moved to Colorado in 2002.  Currently I live in Denver and have had a small private skincare practice for the past 6 years and also pursue a music and writing career.

About 10 years ago, after hurricane Katrina and my divorce, I was diagnosed with ptsd. Survivors guilt was a major symptom for me to know something was wrong.  Back then I didn't realize ptsd was a big deal and was still under the belief that everyone had anxiety and similarly dealt with pain.  I knew I needed help, but I was in denial about the diagnosis for 10 years until my symptoms grew unbearable to me and those around me.  Even though I was in counseling on and off, I didn't understand or embrace the ptsd, so therapy didn't help at first.

PTSD is annoying and recently I listened to a podcast about finding humor in depression, which is another one of the many symptoms of ptsd.  I can go from feeling fine, and then with one thought, smell, sight, noise, or emotion my whole world can crumble and I am instantly sent to a past moment in time where I am vividly reliving crippling pain and frightening sensations all over again.  Some days tolerating the symptoms are easy, some days there are no symptoms, other days I am a mess.  When you are in a state of ptsd it feels like you're not yourself.  In the podcast a lady was discussing how she named her depression Steve, which she felt was an annoying name.  I found that funny because I named my protective inner child Lucy months before I heard about Steve.

Unlike what many sources say, I believe there is a cure for ptsd.  Compassion from others and unconditional love from those you let into your heart are the only ways to happily survive and thrive in life.  If you have ever had a panic attack you know it is impossible to communicate your emotions or thoughts in that moment.  In some ways having ptsd isn't as bad as having to explain yourself around those that don't practice compassion or have the understanding of love. Without receiving love to heal, there are many coping mechanisms I have discovered such as: the practice of radical self love, bikram yoga and exercise, music and art, meditation, eating organic, reiki, drinking filtered water, cannabis, an animal companion, grounding skills, and nature. I do believe there is no need for prescription medication, just a healthy lifestyle!

I won't get into details here, but not everyone has lived to tell about a horrific experience.  Near death experiences can change your consciousness.  Unfortunately in north American society you have to die to be considered a victim.  Almost dying does not count, our society says "get up and brush yourself off... Keep going, don't play the victim role."  Sadly that is not how a person heals.  Healing from a traumatic event takes time.  About a year.
For me, I was diagnosed with PTSD but didn't understand how the symptoms were manifesting in my mind, body or spirit for many years.  I was never given a chance to completely understand, or just relax and heal.  I didn't reach survivor status until just recently.  I can finally talk about my downward spiral without crying.  Although looking back I can say I had an instinct that my life was growing difficult.  I felt misunderstood and I knew I needed a break.

Everyone's life story is unique. For mine it was about the fear element.  Fear was attached to every emotion.  I couldn't have happiness without untrust, love without jealousy or sadness without anger.  Even my dreams were filled with fear.  How do you tell someone to stop having a nightmare?  I silently suffered with the symptoms for years.  But the nightmares were causing me to wake up so tense that my stomach was developing ulcers and I was basically chewing a whole through the inside of my mouth in my sleep.

Sometimes in therapy, it is difficult to talk to licensed professionals about the dark side of trauma. To talk about my insights into suicide with a doctor can land me in the hospital by their discretion.  Even though I have never attempted suicide there are times my communication breakdown is unbearable.  Talk therapy actually taught me how to lie about my problems so that I wouldn't be judged or misunderstood. At times, therapy made my PTSD worse.

There are several modes of therapy for ptsd and I have probably tried them all.  The best one I found for me is called Rapid Response Therapy (RRT).  People process PTSD or any mood disorder differently and we are all on our own journey of healing.  Some people even embrace their ptsd and won't seek help because it gives them a sense of drama or being unique and eccentric.  It was the physical symptoms that made me want to get better.  The stomach ulcer from the amnesic nightmares had caused me to stop eating certain foods that I thought were the cause.  I had taken out dairy, gluten, spice, and sugar.  Side note, after RRT I have happily gone back to eating those things.  With RRT I was able to unravel the repressed memories enough to understand the cause of my trauma, which was not the hurricane or divorce.  The trauma turned out to be a fatal car accident 20 years ago.  The collision caused a concussion which then caused memory loss and forgetfulness.  I feel like the RRT pulled me out of a haze that clouded me ever since that accident.

For those with complex unexplainable suffering, I recommend a book.  It's called 'The Mission of Art' by Alex Grey.  I found comfort and validation in his concept that surviving a near death experience, no matter how traumatic or shameful, can actually elevate your consciousness.  This book made me feel understood.



Have a beautiful day,
Ashley @ Reveal