This is my personal story of how I came to realise I had high-functioning anxiety, to how I learnt to cope with it daily. 

"A person who experiences functional anxiety experiences remains able to move through daily activities without the burden of constant, severe anxiety," says clinical psychologist Dr. Carla Marie Manly over email. "As such, an individual with functional anxiety may function and engage in life activities without the effects of anxiety being highly obvious. In fact, a person with functional anxiety may appear to be very calm. However, a person living with functional anxiety often finds that anxiety 'leaks out' in the form of nervous tics, perfectionism, over-achievement, or controlling habits." (Credit - https://www.bustle.com/p/11-signs-you-might-have-a-high-functioning-anxiety-disorder-dont-even-realize-it-38777). 

So, hi my name is Melinda. And I have high-functioning anxiety.
Most of the people who know me would never even dream that I have a mental illness. I hide it to cope, but I also hide it because part of high-functioning anxiety is to fake being a strong person constantly, fake it until no one would ever guess of the inward struggles I fight every day.

Anyway, Ill back up a bit.

Even as a child I had controlling habits. I also remember having depersonalisation moments, when I felt like I was viewing my life as an outsider, like watching a movie of my own life.

In my teenaged years I became super busy. I was called a perfectionst, an overachiever. I had a to do list every day, and if I did not complete that to do list I felt like a failure. I felt like I could never rest because there was always so much to be done. I could not miss one opportunity to accomplish something. I was afraid of failure. My greatest fear is failing in a job, or failing my family and friends. Honestly, it scars the shit out of me and was the reason of many of my panic attacks that came later.

I learnt that this routine busyness was destroying my health. I tried to pull back, but this nervous energy kept taking over. How could I rest?

It also affected my friendships. I poured all my energy, love and care into my family and my friendships, I was there for my friends all the time, no matter how I was feeling or what prior committments I had. Because of this, I had friends who leached off me. Friends who drained me emotionally, to the point were I had nothing left.

When I turned eighteen, everything came to a head. I was completely emotionally drained, I had nothing left and I was totally burnt out. Then I got extremely ill, because I had pushed my body so far that it literally fell to pieces because it needed some rest. I got glandular fever, which left me bed ridden for weeks, and I cannot explain how much of a failure I felt. I was in bed for weeks, I could not even check my phone without feeling intense nausea. I could not accomplish anything. I cried everyday, because I was not contributing anything to anyone anymore. All my self-worth had been tied up in what I could do. And when that was taken away from me, I questioned my self worth, my identity, and my ability.

I also started having panic attacks. Not large ones, but at least once every two weeks I would sit inside my clothes cupboard and rock back and forth crying for an hour while my heart raced so rapidly. I started crying daily, falling asleep most nights with tears in my eyes. No one ever saw me cry ever. Every one still believed I was the strong, logical unemotional Melinda.

This was the scariest moment. When I didnt know what was going on.
I didnt understand myself, and I definitely didnt understand my emotions.

Make sure you check out the second part to my story in a couple days!

Keep struggling <3