About two years ago I thought that everyone must hate me just a little bit. I mean I was always letting my friends down. I couldn't call them back when I was working to make sure they were okay. I couldn't hang out with one friend, because I had already organised to be with the other. I told myself that it was my fault because I should have enough time for everyone.

I finally confessed how I was feeling to one of my closest friends one day. And she told me that she had never ever thought that way about me. She said I had actually been there for her when she needed it the most. She told me that not once had she hated me for not hanging out with her or replying to her text message quick enough.

I had no idea what to think. Where did I get this idea from that my friends secretly hated me? I thought about it a lot after we had that conversation. And I had a realisation.

My friends were not putting expectations on me. I was putting the expectations onto myself.
My friends didn't hate me. I hated myself.
I wanted my friends to forgive me, but it was me who actually needed to forgive myself.

We are so quick to forgive our best friends of almost anything. But if we mess up, how much do we actually forgive ourselves?

I realised that I had never forgiven myself for every mistake I had made. I thought I was trash because I let myself make mistakes over and over again. But then I was forgiving my friends for the same mistakes that I could not forgive myself for.

Sometimes, we need to give ourselves a little space to make mistakes. Sometimes, we need to love ourselves a little bit extra when we mess up. Sometimes, we need to take a big deep breath in, and actually forgive ourselves.

Once I had worked this out, I started trying to name and forgive myself for all of these things. I started allowing myself to make mistakes if I learnt from them. I started thinking of giving time for my own emotional health instead of 24/7 thinking of everyone else's mental health.

We are all human. We all mess up. We forgive each other. But we forget to forgive ourselves.
Do not be so hard on yourself. Say it out loud.

'I forgive, me.'

Keep struggling <3